[JAK]

in reply to: Should he live at home with us? #6600

Creeves, what did you end up doing?

[JAK]

in reply to: Doesn't listen #6599

Hi Yogamommy. First of all, congratulations on getting him to the contemplation stage! It’s easy to lose track of the positive gains we make when there are all these other issues, but that kind of movement is real and you don’t want to lose it.

It is helpful to remember that change is a really long road, and one that is full of twists, turns, and switchbacks. You’re on that road, and it makes sense that you all would feel exhausted at times. That’s when it’s important for you to think about your own self-care. Put that oxygen mask on you first, so you have the stamina to help for the long haul!

And, in that vein, I would encourage you to make the choices in your life that are in the best interest of you and your family. So, if that means moving, then don’t miss out on that opportunity! Your son can always come with you, or maybe this will be the natural consequence that gets him moving. Either way, you missing out on this opportunity will only make it harder for you to support him in the long run, and it sounds like he will need the support.

Perhaps a first step is to let him know that you and your husband are considering this move and let him know about your ambivalence/concerns about what would happen if you took the job. Maybe by offering him some time to think about it, it will help him shift his actions some more.

[JAK]

in reply to: Kicked out of Sober Living-what now? #1657

Hi jredshaw. One way to look at this is that he does say that he wants to be sober “sometimes” and not never (kind of “cup half full”). Perhaps the first thing to do is just focus on what motivates him to be sober at those times. The Behaviors Makes Sense session (http://the20minuteguide.com/parents/helping/behaviors-make-sense/) can possibly help you do that.

The reason you might want to start there is that he is telling you that there are times that he is motivated, and if you can identify those things that do motivate him, then you can use that information to help you create ways to reinforce positive change. In other words, he’s telling you that there is a path full of green lights, but you have to find out what it is!

I know it can be hard to put the other stuff on the back burner, but spending some time up front to understand what is motivating him can really help you down the road.

Hope this helps!

[JAK]

in reply to: Should I invite my loved one to Thanksgiving #1645

Hello Beth. Thank you for sharing this. With regards to your question, inviting your LO to Thanksgiving is not enabling them to use, nor is it necessarily misaligned with your statement of consequences. I would recommend that you address all of it though. For example, you could say something like, “we would love to have you join us for Thanksgiving if you are able to be sober for it. We really love spending time with you when you are sober, and want you to be a part of these family events.”

In this way, you are inviting her for the holiday, and you are stating that the invitation is based on her ability/willingness to be sober for it (that you don’t endorse her using). That way, you are in fact holding (loosely) to the idea that she is not welcome in your while while using. In this way, you’re neither enabling her to continue using (see this page for some information on enabling) nor are you backpedaling on your expressed desire that she not engage with you while she is using.

 

[JAK]

in reply to: Tips on finding a parent's support group? #1570

Another place you can check out is the Partnership for Drugfree Kids’ Parent Support Network. These are volunteer parents who have also dealt with their own children’s struggles and who have been trained in CRAFT and the 20 Minute Guide to help with issues just like what you’re dealing with. You can find out more about them online at http://www.drugfree.org/community/parent-support-network/.

 

[JAK]

in reply to: Tips on finding a parent's support group? #1565

Hi hwarchitect. It’s pretty hard to find a support group for parents that is not al-anon or 12-step based. That said, I highly recommend SMART recovery Friends and Family meetings. They are slowly spreading out around the country, and they have an online group meeting as well.

This link – http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/family.htm – has all of their meetings listed and their online meeting.

Also, you are on a support group right now! If you are looking for support, please feel free to post more here. That’s what this forum is for!

[JAK]

in reply to: Did I make a mistake in assisting my wife with a plan? #1549

Butch, if I understand correctly, you had a plan with your wife that you would try to moderate drinking with her by only drinking on the weekends (Friday and Saturday nights). After trying this, you found out that she was not adhering to the plan, and that she was sneaking drinks outside of the planned times. Is that correct?

If that is the case, first I’d say that you didn’t do anything wrong! She wasn’t ready to stop drinking, and you couldn’t “force” her to be ready. And, she wasn’t convinced that she couldn’t drink moderately, so you gave it a shot. Now you have evidence that it doesn’t work for her, at least not now, and that the two of you need a new plan. I don’t think that’s bowing out of the plan, rather taking the information you gathered from the plan and using that to inform your next steps. That’s a good way to go about it, if you ask me!

Maybe the next best step is to sit down with your wife when things are calm and have a conversation with her evaluating the moderation plan that you both had. Obviously, the evaluation will state that it wasn’t working because of what you found, and ask her what she thinks. Maybe there are some ways to “tighten up” the current plan, or maybe she will agree and say that she needs to figure out ways to not drink. Either way, you’re using a plan of action to meet her where she is and help move her towards a behavior change. Sounds like you really have been following Beyond Addiction![quote=1538]I am hopeful[/quote]

You have no idea how powerful that statement is. Hold that hope! It will take you far.

[Author]

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