[mouse]

in reply to: Should I invite my loved one to Thanksgiving #1641

Hi Beth:

I’m sorry to hear about this situation with your Loved One.  This has been going on for some time and clearly yours is a caring family to have gone to the effort of an intervention.

Unfortunately  there is no “right answer” to your question (no hard and fast rules and no crystal balls!)

I think it’s always helpful to just lay out the situation in writing as you have done, this often makes things more clear for me.  Sometimes when I come back to what I wrote a day later and re-read it, the situation will seem a lot more clear and my decision will be easier.

Some things that came to my mind in reading your post:

What are your personal goals for this holiday?  (Joyful family time? Happy memories? Good food? Fostering a sense of gratitude in the kids?  etc)

How is your LO’s presence likely to impact your chances of achieving your goals?

The answers to these two questions may make it easier to decide whether or not to invite her.

You mentioned that some in your family have expressed the thought that this may be the only chance for influencing her to change.

In my experience (in my life and with CRAFT) influencing change is not a one-shot deal, it’s more of a loooong-term project.  The good news is that this means that there are many chances.  And more often that not, it is the sum of what we do with those many chances, over a period of time, that makes the difference in the end.  Often each of those many chances consists of a kind word, or kind gesture, or a willingness to listen without judgment. In other words, the power of the small, positive interactions we have with a LO over time can be much more effective than one holiday meal or one intervention (at least this has been my experience and seems to be the message of CRAFT)

Is there a way for your family to achieve your goals for the holiday (whatever you determine them to be) and still make some progress toward helping your LO?  If  the majority of the family does not feel like inviting her to the holiday meal is a good idea, is there some other way that one or two concerned family members can reach out to her?  It can be a very small thing (meeting for coffee, for example, or inviting her children over to play with the cousins).    It’s ok to start small and work on ‘influencing’ over a long period of time. 🙂

One more thought:  If you think there is a chance that she will crash the holiday, it might be a good idea to have a plan in place for what you (and other family members) will do.  If everyone has discussed it and is in agreement, things will go much more smoothly if she does show up uninvited and impaired.

I hope you and your family will have a wonderful holiday.
 
mouse~

PS: CMC talk about alcohol+holidays+addiction:

PPS: I’ve heard sometimes after an  intervention that the LO wants  nothing more to do with the family, so I think it’s good news that your Loved One is still in contact. People recovery every day — don’t give up hope!

[mouse]

in reply to: Did I make a mistake in assisting my wife with a plan? #1559

Hi Butch!

Re: “did I make a mistake”, these days I no longer think about things that way.  I like to think in terms of “I made a choice”.  Sometimes I am happy with the outcome and sometimes I’m not happy with the result of my choices.  When that happens, I regroup, just as I see you are doing.  There’s always a different way.

In reading your post I was wondering if you and Mrs. Butch know that there are support programs to help people learn to moderate their drinking.  Probably some books on the topic, too.

But those programs do start with 30 days of abstinence and it sort of sounds like Mrs. Butch might not be up for that.

In fact, I was wondering if she might be physically dependent on alcohol (which might be a reason that she is drinking secretly).  If she is, then you may, at some point, what to encourage her to consult a doctor about what’s going on.  I know that’s hard for some people, but doctors aren’t there to judge people, they are truly there to help people (why else would they be willing to put up with all those  insurance company rules and regulations!?)

One other thought that I had about something you might want to think about would be making some plans to do things that don’t involve drinking (taking a class, going to a movie,  joining a book club or a meet-up group, playing tennis, whatever works for your lifestyle).  Sober activities have been a good way for  us to carve out some ‘non-using’ time and to bond together over something fun or creative.  I find it  bringing us closer and also feels like a step toward something positive and away from the  negative (if that makes sense!)

I hope this week was easier for you both. Hang in there!

mouse~

[mouse]

in reply to: Anyone else struggling with this? #1354

Hey sotired 🙂

It is hard…but it’s definitely worth it!

Btw, I actually have two LOs (my brother who lives on the other side of the country and has multiple drug addictions) and my teenaged son who has an unhealthy relationship with computer gaming.  It’s my son who’s become more respectful since I started making myself my top priority (and not him!) It is a truly welcome change from what I had been chalking up to inevitable teenage rebellion and ‘back-talk’.  We are really getting along so much better now. I’m sure the CRAFT communication exercises have helped a lot with that and they’ve helped with my brother, too.

You don’t have answer if it is too personal, but I’m curious if you’ve done the This is Stressful Worksheet?  There’s a really good list of ideas for self-care activities at the end of the worksheet. My personal favorites when I first starting working on selfcare were creative activities (gardening for me) and volunteering.

But everyone is different and you may have some ideas that aren’t even on the list.

Take care and stay in touch.

[mouse]

in reply to: Is this enabling? #1353

jfoote, thank you!

I appreciate your insights and suggestions.

I think you are right about our conversations being a positive for him.

We’ve always had a close connection and I miss being able to talk with him like we used to.

I’m a little unclear on how to be sure that we talk only on the condition that he’s sober.  I am pretty sure that he is always under the influence (he’s physically dependent on heroin).

I like the idea of a timeline for the storage unit (for the piano), thank you for that suggestion. I think he’s at a point now (homeless) where he is starting to really feel the negative consequences of his problems in a very big way.  The timeline is a good way to add to that and I am hopeful that it will move him closer to a tipping point.  Thank you!

 

 

 

[mouse]

in reply to: Hard for me to believe . . . #1344

[quote]If I accept that he is compensating for something else that is wrong in his life, does that mean that I can’t be pissed at him for choosing to drink (if he’s so anxious that he needs that, how can I be mad at him for doing something he supposedly “needs” to do)?[/quote]
Hi Drummond:

The way I read this section, I think sure, you can be pissed, but maybe after learning more about what he’s dealing with, maybe you might start to feel sorry for him, ‘cuz anyone who’s dealt first hand with addiction will tell you that it sucks.  It may look like they are partying all the time and having fun, but that’s a superficial picture, I think.  The reality is much, much different.

I’m guessing that, since you are here,  you do care about your partner and the relationship and really are willing to put some effort into helping him.  And that’s tough to do when  you are crazy scared or furious most of the time.  I know from personal experience! I think that’s why the authors started Beyond Addiction with this same subject.  I had read Get Your Loved One Sober and it didn’t really cover this and I was glad to find it here.  I know I found that was able to just feel sorry for my loved one after I understood a little better what was really going on and that helped me to let go of some of the anger.  Once I did that, I was able to start making some sense out of what I reading and it has been a big help.

Have you looked at the section of the guide on self-care?  If anger is getting in the way for you in this section, I think I read that it’s ok to skip around and that might be a better place to dig in for now.  We (families) can get really worn down with all of this, and you may overdue for some TLC for you!

[mouse]

in reply to: Anyone else struggling with this? #1342

Sotired, I had the same problem for a very long time.

One thing that helped me was finding a support group.  They not  only encouraged me to reconsider how I was thinking about self-care (I was thinking it was selfish!) but after a few meetings it became clear to me that it was really more like self-preservation.  I guess that somehow I was thinking that my worrying so much was something that I had to do, that it was unavoidable.  And I worried all the time.  But the group helped me see that it really wasn’t helping. It was making it impossible for me to think clearly and one of us needed to be thinking clearly here!  They also gave me some ideas of how to get started (of course I get credit for the first step in my self-care plan by taking a chance on finding a support group! 🙂 )  My self-care plan is not elaborate.  I started by taking care of regular health care things (medical appointments that were overdue, that sort of thing).  I made a promise to myself to walk at least 20 minutes each day and  I reconnected with a good friend and she’s been great.  I see her frequently now and we’re  signing up for a yoga class!  Do I still worry?  Yes, but I guess I can now say that it’s not the ONLY thing I do! And for a long time, it was the only thing I seemed to do!

The biggest surprise is that somehow, my loved one is behaving more respectfully around me.  I had read that how you treat yourself sends a message to others (and to yourself…that you’re “worth” respect and care).  This seems to be true and the shift in my loved one’s attitude seems like a really good step in the right direction.  It’s nice to see some change that is for the better after so many months (years!) of change for the worse!
I am starting to realize that after ‘trying everything’ and finding that nothing worked, I needed to open my mind to the possibility that there is another way and do some careful experimenting with some new things like self-care.  So far, I’ve been pretty impressed and there is a bonus:  I seem to have a little more energy now and that’s making it easier to tackle some of these worksheets! 🙂

Take care!

 

 

[mouse]

in reply to: WOW! This stuff works! #1341

Thanks for this post CNK!

I found it very encouraging.  🙂

May I ask how long you’ve been using CRAFT with your son?

Have you had some help with it, or just been working thru the guidebook here?

And have you noticed any changes in your son’s behavior (other than improved communication)?

I’m so new to this, trying to find my way, wondering if positive change for my loved one is a real possibility.

~mouse

 

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