[CNK]

in reply to: Need Support! Please help #6685

Hi 007Ingrid. That sounds like a very difficult situation, I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this. The first thing I’d say is that your son is safe and sober right now, and that’s a really important thing to remember. Also, he is now facing the natural consequence of drinking, which can be a very powerful lesson to learn.

As for coming home, rehab isn’t necessarily the answer! Remember, one size doesn’t fit all! Other potential options to consider is if he agrees to enter into outpatient treatment or to try a medication like antabuse (which makes it so that he can’t really drink). Don’t use your biggest guns (rehab and living in or out of the home) until you know you need to!

You do absolutely need to protect yourself and your family. And, if he is willing to make some positive changes, then you might consider ways to reinforce him doing that by allowing him to come home. You are the “expert” on your family, so only you know what’s best and what you’re comfortable with. At the same time, know that you have a lot more options than you realize and that you’re not under any time pressure to make up your mind about how to proceed.

Good luck!

[CNK]

in reply to: When natural consequences are scary for me.. #1654

While it is clear that you are trying hard to influence him in some way, sometimes we have to come to the realization that we can’t force anyone to change. It is a sad and hard realization, and one that requires us to have a strong support group to help get through those difficult times.

At this point, it seems that he is making choices to separate himself from you. It is a terribly difficult consequence, and it seems like it is one that he is choosing for you, not one that you’re forcing upon him. It is important to maintain your boundaries, and to let your son know that if he agrees to live within those boundaries, your home is available to him. He always has a way back in, if he is willing to make different choices.

It may be helpful for you to find some support, like the Parent’s Support Network. And, work on practicing Self Care! You’ll need all the support and care you can get on this long road!

[CNK]

in reply to: When natural consequences are scary for me.. #1648

Letting naturally occurring consequences play out can be painful and scary.  And family members such as yourself understandably avoid letting them happen, as it is awful to watch a loved one struggle.  You are also correct in thinking that a job is a wonderful competitor to a substance problem…in fact studies find again and again that people who have jobs do better when it comes to changing substance use patterns.  All that said, the world can be a powerful educator.  Your son is probably quite used to you being upset with him (as you are exasperated by his use, lateness, etc).  He can probably tune you out and just say to himself…”my mom is just being a nightmare”, “my mom is making a big deal out of nothing”.  It might be really helpful for him to get feedback from an employer saying “you have shown up late repeatedly and I can’t have you working for me” or “I like you but you are unreliable so I have to let you go.”  Those are “real world” bits of feedback that are directly linked to his behavioral choices…not linked to you (e.g., “my mom is always harassing me to get up on time”).  It also makes it more difficult for him to continue with his patterns of use. For instance, where would he be getting financial support if he loses his job?  It’s hard to continuing using substances for long without being able to afford them.

The trick is to let those consequences play out (and maybe tolerate his getting fired) while at the same time offering to reinforce non-using/help seeking behavior on his part.  Reinforcing any periods of non-use.  Offering to help him get support for his problems.  Using positive communication strategies to reduce defensiveness on his part.  For example, the communication strategies could help in having conversation that lets him know how great it is that he got the job and that you realize he needs a ride to work and don’t mind doing that. At the same time, you would like him to meet you halfway by getting up and getting ready to go to work – perhaps asking how he thinks he could do that?. If he is not ready then you would not fight to wake him up or drive him. The challenge is if he does not get up on time, letting him miss work that day. This response would be one example of setting good limits within your home….other examples could be letting him know that staying home and using drugs is not an option and that should he continue, you may be headed towards asking him to leave.  While that might feel like a strong handed response, you’re not “kicking him out”, rather you’re being clear with him about what your expectations are and what the consequences will be for continued use. Meanwhile, taking care of yourself and getting the support you need is critical to being able to manage this very difficult situation!

[CNK]

in reply to: WOW! This stuff works! #1350

Mouse, keep trying this stuff! Most of my practice came from the 20 minute guide and reading Beyond Addiction. It’s pretty hard to find anyone who actually does CRAFT in my area.

As for my son, yes, there have been a ton of changes! Since we stopped yelling at one another, we’ve been able speak about substance use, we’ve been able to speak about behaviors I’d like to see, and what he would like to see from me, and we’ve been able to get back to liking one another (I know, it’s a horrible thing to say that you don’t “like” your child, but that was the case!). It has been refreshing!

Is he using less? I think he has to be, because I don’t see him high and actually see him more often and he sober when I see him! I think by changing the dynamic between us, it made it possible for him to use less.

Keep practicing this stuff mouse, it only gets better with time!

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