[Butch]

in reply to: Did I make a mistake in assisting my wife with a plan? #1577

I have been off of this site for some time. Very busy and also a few ups and downs in the drinking department. But, overall I am very proud of how my wife has responded. My wife has largely stuck with HER plan. Thanks for the responses to my previous posts, they were quite helpful.

We had a wedding reception for one of our sons and new daughter in law last weekend. My wife did have a little too much to drink (she has never been someone to drink to the point of passing out…she was just drinking in secret). The following morning she told me she was done. It would take some work, but she no longer wanted to have whiskey at home. She realized upon waking the next day that she can’t control this. I did not question her about this (as per my plan, I was going to bring it up in a couple of days). She brought this up while she was completely lucid. She asked me to be patient with her, as she does get the desire to drink sometimes and she never knows when it will happen. In following HER plan she has come to the conclusion that she can say no to alcohol, but can’t control it very well once she gets going. Her next phase is to stop hard liquor. She is admittedly a binge drinker.

Once again thanks for the support. Things here are looking better.

To respond to your kind suggestions. My wife, fortunately, does not have a physical dependence. She has gone for weeks without drinking. What brought all of this up is that after we both quit drinking she secretly started to drink again (I quit drinking to encourage her to stop drinking). Her reasoning or her secret drinking was to not disappoint me. The guilt from the secrecy just kept growing. Following the HAMS (HARMS) or KRAFT approach has gotten us to get our stories straight and talk quite a bit about this issue – we are talking openly about drinking now for several months. The most difficult aspect was not losing my temper when I did discover her drinking. During her last “drinking too much episode” I remained polite and cheerful as she was staying within her plan, but just overdid it. It is so hard to let go and think you are doing anything. I got so mad sometimes I had to go outside and kick a trashcan. Shortly after my previous post I started taking care of myself and not letting myself get angry. I knew it was a long process. So, the next chapter has unfolded….SHE has decided to quit drinking hard liquor. She has now decided to enjoy wine on weekends with dinner and maybe a beer on occasion. I couldn’t have praised her more, as she is moving in the right direction and has acknowledged that she may have to give up all alcohol if she can’t control beer and wine (or an occasional mixed drink while at a restaurant…although I think this idea scared her). Her words “I have too much to live for to let this ruin my life.” To address the other suggestion…we have always been great together and do a lot of stuff as a couple. So, it was difficult to come up with new activities LOL. But, a great suggestion to do non-drinking related stuff together.

Sorry to be so long winded. If you are reading this and have a loved one who has not progressed, take heart, take care of yourself and realize that this works better than any other method I have read about. This process has been a 2-1/2 year trip for us…be patient and once again…thanks for all of the feedback. I only hope I can encourage and help others a fraction of what others have helped me with. I will stay tuned in in the hope that this is helpful to others and that my wife continues toward a healthier lifestyle.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Butch

[Butch]

in reply to: Did I make a mistake in assisting my wife with a plan? #1556

Jak,

Thank you for the reply, it means a great deal to me. I am considering your suggestions, as I am fortunate that she is talking to me, but she is still following her compulsion to drink. We talked about this today, and of course, I found a small airline sized bottle. She is aware that she needs to curb this compulsion. I think this is going to take time!

I am disengaging from the emotional back and forth and looking at the big picture. Two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward. I “think” that she is in the contemplation/Getting Ready phase. I need to allow her time. I still look for hiding places, but only to keep track and get a better idea of where she is at. I don’t confront her, but when we talk I am more informed about her drinking.

I have also contacted a close friend from work who I see often (same industry different company), who knows and cares for my wife, but is not in contact with her often. He has volunteered to be my sounding board. This is for me to keep my strong and motivated.

Once again, I can’t thank you enough….As I learn more and work through this I hope and can be of help to others in the future.

Butch

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