How do I do consequences when he just runs away?

[Cody]

#1652

hi,

my partner has been battling marijuna addiction for approx 3.5 years now. He was addicted 10 years ago when we got together, but managed to help himself after we broke up because of it and because he got so sick he “thought he was going to die from it”

he has an addictive personality in that everything is all or nothing to him. All his energy and time is spent on one thing at a time. All through our relationship his mates have always been a massive priority, with me feeling they are his number one priority. If I was to befriend his group of friends he would slowly start hanging out with other friends, always having to have that group of guys I didn’t know. He has always said, his friends think I’m to good for him, so i always felt hidden, and no matter what I said to him, he seems to believe them.

Communication has always been our downfall, as he just cannot talk about things that upset him or anything that could make him feel uncomfortable. His families deal is “if we don’t speak about it it’s not there.”

He will lie about things even when I can prove them. He will usually get angry, or start a fight then leave. He will drive off and not come home until he knows I would be asleep, the next morning he would not talk to me, go to friends after work and continue this until I aplologised or things gradually went back to normal. Therefore issues of trust and using have never been resolved or admitted.

We now have two beautiful girls the first born when things seemed to me to be at our best time together ever. We were going out with the same people for dinners, birthdays etc, and having fun and laughing together.  Slowly he started hanging around his old using school friends again, more and more, it started him helping them dj parties every odd weekend, to going there every night week days as well. 7 days a week. As I was pregnant At the time, he told me this was just him getting it out of his system as when bubs was here he would be home every  night. He also assured me “he wasn’t using, he wasn’t that silly, his older more mature and not like that anymore.” I didn’t believe him,but couldn’t prove anything. He was losing weight, coming home later and later, moody again, trying to get out of family things and not coming to our mutual friends gatherings I was going on my own, because he wanted to make music with his other friends for a party that weekend etc etc.

he has finally admitted using when I found a bong and his mix in our garage and followed him in the morning after seeing msgs on his phone implying he was going to drug dealers places before work to get high. He said he was going to get his sunglasses he left there last night, not smoking. However he got this person a job at his work, so why couldn’t he just get him to bring them to work, oh and the bong wasn’t his, it was his friends, apparently  he had left it in my partners car and then my partner had put it in the garage as he didn’t want to drive with it in his car……….

such lame and obvious excuses made me so angry, he was never smoking when I caught him, it was never his, and when he came home he was never stoned, even though he wreaked of it, and his eyes were a disgrace .  Finally he broke and told me he would quit. He seemed to think he could go from smoking 24 cones a day to none, while still living the same lifestyle, seeing the same people every night and leaving me and our daughter at home alone.

Sometimes he wouldn’t even come home from work. I would yell and scream accuse him of lying and us Not being important enough to him to make some changes.

this has gone on for three and a half years now and thru a good spell we decided to have another baby. He quit for a month, while still living the same way, then caves in, avoids me, lies about how much and how often, thinks there’s nothing wrong with his moods weight etc, it’s everyone else that has the problem, no one at work can do their jobs, I am a bitch his dads awful etc etc

Now I am home, alone every night pretty much running the household, caring for the two girls while he still goes out every night, smokes spends his money on what ever he like. I am a hairdresser and have a home salon, I work three days a week , and never get a second to my self to do something for me, work is my time out. I feel so overwhelmed, also i can’t follow him, to prove my thoughts and don’t want to threaten  moving out because I’d be moving the girls two dogs and my work. our house is currently in my father in laws name, so I get the “well you go, you wouldn’t have this house if it wasn’t for me”As we are so up and down, I don’t want to tell my clients I’m closing, then next week call them and ask them back, most don’t know of any problem.

I am fed up and finding it hard to be supportive and help him quit when he refuses to talk to me or a therapist, won’t avoid  His using friends as “he has no other friends, and his not staying home when I’m angry at him.” I made a point of only being positive for over a month, ok not overly affectionate, but cheery, happy, no negative talk, making sure I included him etc, but still every night there was a reason to leave. “I just have to drop this ps4 game off” it was 10pm and he was going to see him at work at 8am the following day, but he HAD to have it now. “I’m just going to get takeaway for dinner, nothing at home I want to eat” was gone for 8hours. “Someone just got a new bike, I just want to go see it”, “I’ll take out the rubbish then drives off gone all night.

everything is an excuse not to quit,  even though he tells me he wants to, his not making any effort and now our eldest is picking up on things. I feel I have nothing I can use as a consequence as I don’t know what I could follow through with he has been sleeping on the couch for a year, and just runs out and leaves anytime I try to talk. I get so angry. If I wait up till he gets home he tells me, he doesn’t want to talk now it’s to late. He will ignore me if I talk, or get up and drive off again. I ask for him to tell me. A time we can talk at his convenience, but he either leaves or “something comes up” his home for maybe 2hours after work, but as soon as I put the girls to bed, usually while I am, he leaves and doesn’t come home till I’m asleep.

any help on what to do please? I have been reading a lot and I know I have to deal with my frustration and talk differently to him, I just have no idea how to follow through with anything as I feel I’m dealing with a child who runs away rather than faces everything.

[Cody]

#1653

I don’t want to be the crazy yelling one, I don’t want to push him away. It’s not me, but it is me right now and I hate it. I just want him to see what I see, and how upset his daughter is when his never around or never comes to things with us and her little friend says ‘do you have a daddy? Well I’ve never seen him.” Breaks my heart. His missing out on so much.

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