Since you now know that “your partner’s behavior makes sense” because substance use is reinforcing, we can move on to positive reinforcement as one of the core helping strategies in CRAFT. That is, you can use the same behavioral mechanisms that reinforce substance use to reinforce other behaviors instead. Basically, reward your partner when she does something that you want her to do again (coming home sober, doing the errands, talking in a calm manner, being helpful to other family members). A reward can be a compliment, a hug, a favorite meal, or—and this is often overlooked—simply acknowledging what she has done. Linked to a behavior, such positive recognition helps your partner start to see the value in acting that way again. Your part is to figure out what’s rewarding to her and tolerate the discomfort you may feel in rewarding
The value in reinforcing positive behavior by rewarding it is that it can start to compete with the reinforcing effects of drugs and alcohol. In essence, your partner can learn to “feel good” in other ways rather than using substances. They can feel proud of themselves, acknowledged, recognized for their efforts—all the feel good things that contribute to a healthy self-esteem and ability to cope with life.
Contrary to what you might have heard, confrontation and punishment are not the most helpful strategies to use when you are trying to encourage change. In fact, they are likely to push things in the exact opposite direction as your partner acts to defend his position. Detaching is not the answer either, because it leaves you with no way to positively influence your partner. It may also be that your partner’s unhealthy behavior gets most if not all of your attention, even at times when she isn’t using—because you’re still fuming after the last time, or worried about the next. When a family is caught in a cycle of confrontation and punishment, negative attention may be the only kind of attention your partner receives.
While your negative feelings are understandable, they can prevent you from noticing the good things that also happen (when she’s sober and helping the kids with homework, sober and having dinner with the family, and so on). It may seem to your partner that she can’t do anything right (because you are upset all the time), so why bother? The key to your partner making changes that stick will be your attention (which is a reward in and of itself) to the healthy, adaptive behaviors that you see. Reward your partner when she is not using! In other words, “catch her being good” (as rare as that may seem sometimes!). Staying involved and rewarding steps towards healthy behavior is what will work to help motivate your partner.
Take a moment to think about meaningful rewards for your partner. Here are a few guidelines:
- Rewards are in the eye of the beholder.
A 2-hour massage might feel like winning the lottery to you, but for your partner, going skydiving or taking surfing lessons might hit closer to the mark. Spend some time thinking by yourself or talking to your partner about what she finds rewarding. You can also look around for what rewards she is already getting that you might want to tie to her behavior.
- Find rewards fit your partner’s needs in her current stage of dealing with substance use.
For example, if your partner has been working at changing her substance use for some time and is committed to it, verbally acknowledging her efforts might feel like a lovely reward to her; however if she doesn’t even see drinking as a problem yet, linking a “reward” of flowers or time together to her not drinking might serve to make her feel infantilized.
- Have the rewards follow closely the behavior they’re meant to reward.
Timing helps link the reward to the behavior, so plan rewards that you can deliver immediately or shortly after (not before) the behavior takes place. Resist the temptation to give something now in the hopes that her behavior will change later.
- Make sure the rewards are things you’re willing and able to give.
Make sure you’re comfortable with the cost and other qualities of the rewards you choose. A new motorcycle might be something she’d really like, but if it’s not compatible with your values and budget, think of something else. Some of the most effective rewards, like your attention, compliments, and affection, are free.
For more guidelines and examples of reinforcement in action, see our whole chapter about it in Beyond Addiction.
Practiced consistently over time, positive reinforcement will enhance your partner’s motivation to change. Try to have patience and don’t give up if her behavior doesn’t change as fast as you’d like it to. Change takes time. If you’re uncertain or find yourself thinking “this doesn’t work for my partner” or “he doesn’t care about anything”, review the guidelines: Is the reward rewarding to your partner? How’s your timing? And bear in mind, consistent behavior change is hard for everyone. Try to tolerate the process and remember that changing behavior patterns takes willingness to resist engaging in them long enough to learn new ones. It’s a lot of work!