Hard for me to believe . . .

[Drummond]

#1238

I was working on the Behaviors Makes Sense worksheet (http://the20minuteguide.com/partners/helping/behaviors-makes-sense-even-partners/behaviors-makes-sense-even-partners-worksheet/) and I’m just having a hard time believing this. I mean, fine, maybe his behaviors make some sense to him, but isn’t that because he can’t think straight? Can’t he see the pain he’s causing me and our family? That feels like it should be accounted for, and he doesn’t do it.

I understand the concept that perhaps he is drinking like this for a reason, and that he is compensating for some other big problem in his life. But we all have problems, mine don’t end up stepping all over him in the process. If I accept that he is compensating for something else that is wrong in his life, does that mean that I can’t be pissed at him for choosing to drink (if he’s so anxious that he needs that, how can I be mad at him for doing something he supposedly “needs” to do)?

[mouse]

#1344

[quote]If I accept that he is compensating for something else that is wrong in his life, does that mean that I can’t be pissed at him for choosing to drink (if he’s so anxious that he needs that, how can I be mad at him for doing something he supposedly “needs” to do)?[/quote]
Hi Drummond:

The way I read this section, I think sure, you can be pissed, but maybe after learning more about what he’s dealing with, maybe you might start to feel sorry for him, ‘cuz anyone who’s dealt first hand with addiction will tell you that it sucks.  It may look like they are partying all the time and having fun, but that’s a superficial picture, I think.  The reality is much, much different.

I’m guessing that, since you are here,  you do care about your partner and the relationship and really are willing to put some effort into helping him.  And that’s tough to do when  you are crazy scared or furious most of the time.  I know from personal experience! I think that’s why the authors started Beyond Addiction with this same subject.  I had read Get Your Loved One Sober and it didn’t really cover this and I was glad to find it here.  I know I found that was able to just feel sorry for my loved one after I understood a little better what was really going on and that helped me to let go of some of the anger.  Once I did that, I was able to start making some sense out of what I reading and it has been a big help.

Have you looked at the section of the guide on self-care?  If anger is getting in the way for you in this section, I think I read that it’s ok to skip around and that might be a better place to dig in for now.  We (families) can get really worn down with all of this, and you may overdue for some TLC for you!

[Drummond]

#1349

Thank you mouse for that warm and helpful response! I know that you’re right, that it can’t be as simple as him just having fun at our expense. I’ll really try to keep that in mind as I move forward.

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