Doesn't listen

Posted in: Communication – Parent’s Forum

This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  yogamommy 4 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #6598


    We’ve been using CRAFT and it has worked better than anything so far. Our son is 19 and at least he’s working now and seems to be in the “contemplating change” phase. It’s a painfully slow process which is bad enough, but our son is actually disrespectful, nasty at times, doesn’t honor many of our requests and is rarely pleasant to be around. He’s taking an on-line course of his choosing, he paid for most of it and he’s still failing it. He goes out every night of the week and stays out very late. We have removed the car (motivator) for non-working purposes, but he just finds friends to pick him up. He’s been in two rehabs already. My husband, myself and our 22 year old son are all extremely tired of putting up with him. We’re so mad about him failing the course that we can not bring ourselves to the positive reinforcement right now. That’s another $600 down the drain for us. He failed his entire first year of college too.

    My husband and I now have an opportunity for work that would require a move but know that he can’t support himself. We’d be willing to stay if we felt he really wanted help, but he just keeps doing the same things over and over and we fear he won’t be able to ever support himself without a college degree or skill set. How long do we have to suffer because of his poor choices?


  • #6599

    Hi Yogamommy. First of all, congratulations on getting him to the contemplation stage! It’s easy to lose track of the positive gains we make when there are all these other issues, but that kind of movement is real and you don’t want to lose it.

    It is helpful to remember that change is a really long road, and one that is full of twists, turns, and switchbacks. You’re on that road, and it makes sense that you all would feel exhausted at times. That’s when it’s important for you to think about your own self-care. Put that oxygen mask on you first, so you have the stamina to help for the long haul!

    And, in that vein, I would encourage you to make the choices in your life that are in the best interest of you and your family. So, if that means moving, then don’t miss out on that opportunity! Your son can always come with you, or maybe this will be the natural consequence that gets him moving. Either way, you missing out on this opportunity will only make it harder for you to support him in the long run, and it sounds like he will need the support.

    Perhaps a first step is to let him know that you and your husband are considering this move and let him know about your ambivalence/concerns about what would happen if you took the job. Maybe by offering him some time to think about it, it will help him shift his actions some more.

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